Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
