Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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