this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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