I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
