You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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