Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
