There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
