dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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