So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
