this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
