Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
