just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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