ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
