You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
