if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
