every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
