I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
