I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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