I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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