toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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