I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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