At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
