From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
