There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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