Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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