Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
