Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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