we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
