Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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