he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
