if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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