I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
