You just made me feel so damn special
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
