I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
pray to the hookup gods
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
