The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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