It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
