I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
