considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
