you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
