We won't sleep together?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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