He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
