life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
