Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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