Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
