I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
