The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
