I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's blow job season.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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