Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
