is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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