speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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