I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
