I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
