im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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